How do I Stop Vicious Cycles

Start Healing Life-Long Vicious Cycles and Triggers – Put an End to the Blame Game

Being triggered into a reaction causes you to behave in ways you wouldn’t dream of under normal circumstances, and once the dust settles, you most likely regret your actions and wonder why you couldn’t stop yourself – again.  This occurs probably more often than you like.  So, what can you do about it?

When I’m triggered, it’s really a struggle to avoid being reactive.  In most cases, a trigger happens and immediately following is the reaction, without any thought, it’s like an alien took over my body and made me act out of character.  I would love to consistently remain calm and centered when faced with a possible trigger.

Who wouldn’t?

The key is ownership.  The second we blame someone or something else – we give our power away and lose the opportunity to heal the wound that was triggered.  “But it was all their fault!” No kidding, it certainly looks that way and no one would question your claim.  I’ve blamed my parents for several thousand things and a lot of good it’s done me.  However, there’s no way to heal a past wound or fear by blaming someone or something else.  It’s impossible.

The argument against this and the amount of evidence one can produce is incredible.  Blaming is a very hard habit to break.  I was a passenger in a car and was blamed by the driver, who just backed up into another car, for not looking!  I was immediately told off: “You were supposed to look!!” Um . . . actually no, I wasn’t, you’re the driver.  It was obviously a reaction.  No one in a reaction wants to take responsibility – it’s like a hot potato.

Placing blame ultimately gets us nowhere and we only hurt ourselves in the long run.  Although, some people are happy and content blaming circumstances in their life, for example, illnesses and dramas are like old friends they count on – no problem, it’s just that way for them.  My victim role got a lot of mileage . . . until it didn’t.  Something inside of me, greater than the payoff of the continued survival of my victim wanted me to grow.  Being unaware of this choice at first made things challenging.

The cost of holding onto this way of being increased.  I had to face and feel the pain of continuing to live as a victim, forcing me to look at my behavior.  Things became easier when I realized what was going on – a part of me really didn’t want to be a victim anymore, so I made a conscious choice to heal and grow.

Who am I if I’m not a victim?

Does this mean you need to take responsibility for everything that happens to you in your life?  Yes, it does –if you want it to stop.

Not everyone wants or is ready for growth.  You know what’s best for you.  I’ve found in my life that sometimes I need to get sick and tired of my behavior and patterns before I stop and take a look inside.  I ask myself: Have you had enough yet?

Growth and real change require:

  1. A huge commitment.
  2. Ownership – no more blaming.
  3. A willingness to forgive yourself and others.
  4. Allowing feelings like pain, shame, and hurt to surface without the story.
  5. Questioning your limiting and negative beliefs.
  6. Asking for help – doing inner work with someone who knows what they’re doing.

Triggers hit old wounds, wounds that you’ve spent years covering up and prefer to remain unexposed.  The scabs are your defense mechanisms – anything and everything you put in place to avoid feeling the wound again. . . you scare off anyone in your life who gets close, as an example.  It will stay that way until you take steps to heal the wound for good.

The more you take ownership of your life, the more power you gain to create real change.

Make an intention to face your fear and feel feelings in the moment.  The more you make a conscious effort, the less afraid you’ll be.  I know what trauma feels like in my body and I allow space for it to surface when triggered because I’ve faced and healed a lot of my wounds.  I’m no longer afraid of feeling that state and know it’s not who I am.  Because of this, I have less reactions and when I’m triggered, I see it as an opportunity for more growth.

It’s your process and you need to take ownership for any feelings, thoughts and reactions happening within your body.  That’s your responsibility, no one else’s.

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.

Buckminster Fuller

As you progress, you’ll begin to observe your patterns and vicious cycles play themselves out.  They will become predictable.  Seeing your patterns is a great first step! 

Questioning them is the next step.  At some point you’ll be able to choose your response consciously within the cycle.  At that point, you have gained your power back over this trigger!


For healing negative beliefs: The Work by Byron Katie: Loads of instructional videos, downloadable worksheets and a help line – all for free! The Work website

For uncovering and healing buried memories, traumas, and painful feelings go to: The Journey by Brandon Bays The Journey website. There is currently a free eBook available here: Free eBook

The Landmark Forum: Incredible work to help you face your defense mechanisms and live a life of integrity. It offers a new possibility for living. Go to Landmark

You can also check out my Resources page here: Resources

13 responses to “Start Healing Life-Long Vicious Cycles and Triggers – Put an End to the Blame Game”

  1. utterlynow Avatar

    Hi Donna,
    Thanks for sharing the resources that you have found helpful! I am certainly using The Work of Byron Katie in my daily life as a parent. No new stressful thoughts. And yes, so easy to put blame ‘out there’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. DonnaG Avatar

      Thanks for your comment! So happy to hear you use Byron Katie’s work as a resource! It’s great stuff, and glad you are finding the other resources helpful. Keep up the great work, it’s nice to know your children are in great hands! Donna

      Liked by 1 person

  2. RajinderPal Malhotra Avatar
    RajinderPal Malhotra

    A very encouraging write up for forgetting the old wounds .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Donna Guillemette Avatar

      Thanks Raj! Old wounds are tough buggers – keep up the good work! Love to you, Donna


  3. AmyRose🌹 Avatar

    I have another comment to add. Yesterday and today I faced fear. In one situation I stood up for myself when the other person was only to happy to pull me into past ugly stuff. That is not who I am today and besides the subject that was being discussed was not even about this person. I stated the truth simply, firmly without anger or violence. And then today. I sent a text to another person apologizing for something I did that was not from out of Love. I spoke frankly, with Love, and added there was no obligation for this person to text back. Both of these people love to focus on wrongs, hold grudges, and so afraid of facing fear. But I did it! And the relief is immense! In both cases, I “saw” the hurt, the delusions, and so Compassion was birthed. Could you write another post so this “theme” that seems to be occurring in my life can leave? LOL 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Donna Guillemette Avatar

      Hi Amy! Wow! Great work – and a lot of courage!! It couldn’t have been easy but you did it – that’s awesome. You were in witness to all aspects of both these situations, the fear and hurt for all involved, with no judgment, no fear, no blame – just truth, love and compassion. I bet you feel really good about what you were able to face and accomplish! So happy for you. For my next post – I’ll try to stick to the “theme” LOL!! Actually I have no idea what it’ll be about?? Bless you for all your growth! Love to you!! Donna

      Liked by 1 person

      1. AmyRose🌹 Avatar

        Donna, I do feel good yet …. because of how I handled things, I “saw” how bound and imprisoned these two women are. I feel no joy about that, believe me. I rejoice at the progress I’ve made and when I cross paths with their low energy it hurts. I was kidding about the theme. It just seemed to me all these Lessons for me came my way (NOT easy ones) that related to this post of yours. LOL And me like you know not what my next post will be about. That’s cool! I LIKE that!! (((HUGS))) Amy

        Liked by 1 person

  4. AmyRose🌹 Avatar

    Oh, Donna!! This post is excellent!! It’s SO easy to blame and I know I still do yet I’m really working on staying aware so I do not blame. OH it is so challenging! I could actually put my self-righteous shoes on and say, “Not me. I don’t blame. I’m above that!” Who would I be kidding except myself? Do we have a right to stand up for ourselves in certain circumstances? Heck yes! BUT! We need to know where to draw the line to forbid blame and victim to come forth. I don’t know about you but I think I understand this, I got this, and then wham I’m acting in ways I say … oh wow …. again? *sigh* I cannot stress to you how this post struck home with me. I know I myself have written on this subject a little while ago when I saw myself acting exactly as I was blaming someone else how they were acting. This is tough work! Bless you for being on this Journey with me!!! (((HUGS))) Amy🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Donna Guillemette Avatar

      Hi Amy! It is very challenging! It’s a tough habit to break, people do it all the time without even realizing it! I find myself even blaming the weather!! Easy to do, not always easy to stop. I am so glad you are on this journey too!! It’s nice to have a buddy! Love and hugs, Donna

      Liked by 1 person

      1. AmyRose🌹 Avatar

        (((HUGS))) back!! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  5. thelonelyauthorblog Avatar

    Good post about healing. Reflection and forgiveness (even self forgiveness are import).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Donna Guillemette Avatar

      Thank you, and yes, (self) forgiveness is very important! Thanks for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

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