The state of being awake and aware, building upon my last post about awareness, is a complete, embodied knowing that freedom of expression is possible. With this sense of freedom also comes less fear – and visa versa. My expression had taken a massive hit to the point of being completely shut down by the age of 14. It’s finally now just resurfacing and through many years of growth, there’s a solid foundation for it to stand upon.
I love the experience that comes from not being attached to outcomes – there’s an amazing freedom that’s possible. Becoming unattached from societal norms and expectations allows me to take more of an observer role as I am then able to more freely experience different emotions. We each have our own expression that is free to be felt without judgment. It’s great to feel angry, just to sit with it or take it out on a punching bag! Anger can also be a useful emotion that inspires right action and can help with raising us from depression. It’s when the anger spills out onto others, that shows us there’s an unhealed issue from our past that’s been triggered.
At the end of the day, your expression is your expression, but in the case of a heavy-negatively-laden feeling, it’s always a good practice to take a step away, preventing it from spilling out onto others. Healing past wounds, getting underneath all the programming and negative beliefs is the journey to freedom and true self-awareness.
Speaking of anger, I had an incredible, surprising experience last week at work which allowed a past wound to become exposed. Part of my job at work is to raise a height-restricted barrier for our contractors with large trucks so they can enter our parking lot. We have a camera on the barrier so we can tell when someone is waiting to come in. I happened to be looking at the camera and saw a large van with roof racks move towards the barrier. I was going to open the gate when I noticed this guy continuing on underneath it, the top of his van hitting the bottom of the barrier as he kept pushing forward.
We are on public property, and this barrier is publicly funded by tax payers and here we have this guy causing damage. I’ve seen it happen before and shake my head. On his way out of the parking lot, it looked like he at least caught on because he stopped before the barrier so it could be opened for him. OK good, he’s learned that his van is too high to go underneath.
Several hours later, here comes the same van – plowing through the barrier – again. I was like – WTF man? This really fired me up. I leaped out from my desk and ran outside yelling “HEY, HEY YOU!!” He was quite far away and I had to run through the parking lot to get to him – I didn’t want him to get away. I made it up to him and started expressing myself towards his blatant disregard for public property. Yes, I was angry!
I put it all out there, including all the thousands spent on fixing the barrier from people doing the same thing. Anyway, all he could say is: “There’s a nicer way to speak to someone instead of “HEY YOU!” I just kept talking. He was getting nowhere with me and after a while he walked away. He never did take responsibility. I guess with me yelling at him . . . oh well. It was a wake up call for me, uncovering some latent anger from my past.
I manifested you!
At the time, I felt completely justified confronting this man. I’ve been feeling helpless or rather powerless lately on an unconscious level. Turns out I’ve had been triggered by someone who is like my father – a False King of Tyranny, someone who ‘rules’ over all. This van driver provided me with an outlet and an opportunity for me to see I had a lot of pent up anger and rage just waiting to be poked. Thank you to this man who helped me see. It was ok to confront him with his behavior, just not ok to yell my head off!
The good part was that this experience provided a new influx of energy for self-expression. I had been slipping down into a feeling of powerlessness and was shutting down again, just like I did when I was a small child around my father. During my recent experience, I felt a very strong energy come in and lift me up from my chair, take me outside and confront the van driver’s behavior. The fear of keeping me in my seat with my mouth closed had vanished. I’ve hit my limit on the cap of self-expression. If this is how it’s showing itself – so be it. Whatever it took to get me to this place – I am grateful.
Being authentically congruent
No more restrictions, no more labels, no more ceiling on my expression. Thank you God. I know this is a process and this is where I’m at presently as my self-expression establishes itself. Great. Again, no judgment here. I’m freely allowing my process to unfold and am amazed what’s showing up. It’s liberating indeed! I am also being very careful with the physical expression of my emotions. If anger like this arises again, I’ll put it to work on a home project! I know better than to take it out on someone – not a good thing to do. Covering up anger by shutting down all feelings isn’t a good thing to do either. Feeling it, accepting it and not judging it is the best thing to do – and with that I remain authentically congruent!
Otherwise, the alternative is to remain a slave to fear from past wounds.
You have the means to do this now, to feel your feelings and emotions as they arise. Allow them to flow, feeling each one fully and completely, allowing them to surface until they have passed. Same goes for happiness and joy too! As we know things change, best to enjoy these feelings when they are present!
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