Not so long ago, I realized my connection with God was tentative. I’m in no way religious, so I wasn’t worried about the wrath of God. I was a bit skeptical however, or maybe I had some unfinished business with Him. I knew about things like synchronicity, The Secret, The Law of Resonance, the Universe, etc., but my interest was mainly from a point of view: That’s just how things work here. It didn’t have anything to do with God.
God had no part in my life. It wasn’t personal, I just knew there was a force out there that existed. I had faith, but it was limited to only what I could achieve alone. I believed I was the master of my life and the master of my destiny! My life and it’s direction were up to me and my choices. Well, it sounded good at the time.
In my book: Bridging the Gap Between You and Your Inner Child, I had met and fallen in love with all my aspects. It was time for them to integrate and be placed within my heart. I was very excited and really looking forward to being united with them! After a short while however, we all noticed I wasn’t there . . .
Here’s the excerpt:
I looked up to the sky and yelled at God. I called Him every name in the book and told Him that He was mean and cruel. How could He let this happen? He was supposed to be a loving God. What a load of crap that was! I could feel anger rising and getting a shot of energy from it. It felt good, and boy was I ever angry! The hell with the pain, this anger was unbelievably invigorating! I felt so much freedom in expressing all this anger I didn’t even know existed within me. I was angry with God, angry with myself, angry with the world, and angry that my being had fractured into many pieces to begin with.
It was all just madness, all of it, and I’d been stupid enough to believe it all. How could I have been so stupid and gullible? I felt miserable and alone and in pain and really, really angry. So much for being a spiritual being, so much for growth and learning, so much for wanting to be happy. All of that hard work I’d put in just to get more pain and suffering? I thought: Screw it, I am done. No more being nice. I don’t care anymore . . . though I felt a little guilty at the same time.
God? God who?
I was also aware of a “hole” that existed inside of myself, accompanied by a feeling of emptiness. I suffered from fear and lack (insecurity, lack of trust, co-dependency, neediness, unfulfillment). I didn’t realize it was because I had no connection with God. I thought it was just me. I lived life as “capable, able and dependable” so I didn’t need anyone or anything – including God.
That was how I presented myself to the world. It worked out great in the work place! Most employers want an employee like this to take advantage of – giving them all the responsibility, usually only to be paid in peanuts. The service industry is great for this. Didn’t matter though, I (ego) felt validated, so therefore everything was fine in my little world. It was well contained and managed, thank you very much!
. . . Or not . . . well, I thought it was anyway. Since I was wanting spiritual growth in my life and to live in truth, all defense mechanisms would eventually become uncomfortable and cause issues with my daily life. These mechanisms would therefore surface as issues and inconveniences, and need to be identified and healed. It was because of this intention to grow that I found out being “capable, able and dependable” was an act – compensating for a failure to be. It wasn’t real and couldn’t be sustained without a cost. My “failure to be” was all the negative beliefs I believed about myself:
- I’m not good enough
- I’m not worthy
- I’m a failure
- I’m a burden
- I’m too weak
I identified with these beliefs, they were who I was! This is not true as I have found out. I am not my beliefs, my thoughts or my feelings. It was a good way for me to stay small, be a victim and hide. A connection with God had no space in my being because I was unworthy of love – and really believed it.
I remember going through a Dark Night of the Soul and feeling so absolutely alone. It would’ve been much easier if I had a connection with God. On the other hand, I seriously wonder if I could have experienced my Dark Night of the Soul with that connection. I don’t know the answer to that. I can only guess I wouldn’t have felt the intense pain of separation. The pain is how we know we are separate. It was a clue for me to look deeper and fill the emptiness from within through a connection with God.
It had me wonder, what happened to my connection? Where and when did I lose God? And what made me think I’d be ok without Him? I have a telling section in my book that demonstrates this enquiry perfectly. The mind and the heart have it out . . . here it is:
My mind also tried to comfort me, by imagining that it could figure all this out. It was searching for where it had gone wrong in what had happened. Finally near the end of its search it settled on the word love. “Love went wrong and it’s the heart’s fault!” It made so much sense to my mind but my heart was having trouble grasping this.
My mind continued, “If you had never felt love we wouldn’t have a problem here. Can’t you see that love is the reason why the aloneness was rudely awakened in the first place? It was the reason aloneness could even live inside of us. Love challenged the aloneness and that’s how the aloneness knew that it was alone.”
My heart wanted its opinion heard, “You couldn’t be more wrong! How could something as beautiful as love be as destructive as you claim?”
The mind answered, “Well, because without ever feeling love we wouldn’t miss it when it was gone. Just by its sheer existence we are self-destined for pain. Ignorance is bliss and if we’d never known love we’d all just be going about the business of living.”
The heart conceded, “OK, your argument represents sound logic, I’ll give you that, but there’s still something missing.”
The mind stayed firm, “Unless you can convince me otherwise I’ll just sit over here and feel confident in being right.”
“Well I still believe we need love and the complete experience of it, both the pain and the joy.”
The mind was doubtful, “Then you’ll need to convince me, twinkle toes. Go on, I have all day.”
“OK, you want a good argument, here goes. We exist because of love. We were created with love and we will return to love. Until now I didn’t know this. I didn’t understand there was a higher form of love and union, an unconditional love which exists with the Divine, the same love connecting us to all things, existing within each and every being. You’re right about love in one way: it can be destructive— but only if that love is trying to fill an empty void within, a “hole.”
“That kind of love can never stay; it will always leave because it didn’t belong there to begin with. It was never ours so it must return to where it came from, somewhere outside of us. The space that love temporarily filled got activated so, when the external love left the space, it felt the pain of the emptiness that had always been there. We can agree on that much. But here is where I believe we need the pain of love. It lets us know when there’s a void within ourselves. We need to feel the void so that we’re motivated to seek out love in its truest form, unconditionally, from the Divine within.”
“The heart continued “Love and acceptance with the Self is real and can never leave, once it is found, because it comes from us and therefore is ours to keep. It is ours to have and to hold, in sickness and in health and you know the rest.”
The mind gives a chuckle, “OK, heart, I get it: you make a pretty good argument. But, now that we know this, what’s next? How can we work together to prepare this heart for love with the Divine self?”
“Good question, I need to think about this.”
The mind agreed. “Yeah. I need to feel this out.”
I have gained a deeper connection with myself during my journey to connect with God. As above, so below. In whatever ways I was lacking a connection with God, also showed up as lacking within myself – lack of trust, conditional love, abandonment, anger, and negative beliefs about myself. With God now, I can do and be anything! I am in a way fearless, knowing as long as I am following God’s will, I am whole, fulfilled, and not alone. It feels better surrendering to a higher power who only has my best interest at heart. I just need to stay out of the way and remain unattached to outcomes! (Always challenging for me!)
How did I achieve my connection?
- I had to realize I was not connected to God.
- I chose to examine what was in the way – what was the problem (angry with God, negative beliefs, deprogramming Catholic upbringing, abandoned by God)
- I addressed all the issues I found blocking a connection by writing down my negative beliefs and working them (TheWork.com) see Resources Page
- I made an intention and was willing to connect with and invite God into my life
- I accept God into my life by letting go of control (whoa!)
- I surrendered my Will to God’s Will and keep surrendering!
So far so good! As I release my will to God, my path is clear. Life is easier as I am not having to ‘force’ anything or plow my way into what I believe to be the ‘right’ path. I have more energy because of it, as allowing and surrendering take no energy at all.
I really prayed to end suffering on planet Earth, which is fine in and of itself. However, when I judge suffering, as in people shouldn’t suffer – I am forcing my beliefs and will onto their path. I have to ask myself: Where would I be without the suffering I’ve endured in my life? Would I still not know the pain of separation? It feels like a test of faith –
Now I pray for Divine Will and Grace. I continue to build my relationship with God as I let go of judgments and negative beliefs. It works better that way!
Be well on your journey!
Please feel free to comment below, I would love to hear from you!