I’ve heard people say they’ve receive creative inspiration from various kinds of places. I can’t really speak to this because I have limited personal experience with creativity. I’ve always believed and said, for better of worse, “I’m not a creative person.” I couldn’t conceive of what being creative meant so it wasn’t missing for me, except, though, when I came across a creation that really spoke to me. I would be in complete admiration and appreciation for the creator’s talent!
That’s when I wished I too were creative. I’ve also been aware for many years that inspiration hasn’t exactly been a frequent visitor either nor have I felt fired up enough to take a stand and fight for a cause. It just hasn’t been there. I’ve asked many times: Where is my passion!! In the zodiac, I’m a triple fire for goodness sake – where’s my fire!! (Leo, Leo, Aries).
Typical me response, coming from couldn’t be bothered when asked:
- What do you want to do today? I don’t know.
- What do you want for dinner? I don’t care, I’ll have what you’re having.
- Any movies you want to see? Don’t even know what’s playing.
- Where do you want to go on holiday? Don’t know.
No power, no life. In my last post, Facing Our Fear of the Dark, I described how I stuffed down feelings of hatred and rage at age 14 and of how I recently faced my fear of being consumed by these feelings. I now know I am not dark and won’t cause harm to anyone. Not facing this fear kept me depressed and small. Fighting it became tiring.
Interestingly to note, I believe this was all built on self-hatred. It’s a tough one. I can see just how far my belief of self-hatred towards myself extended – even into other lifetimes. I’ve embarked on a journey of radical forgiveness to help (that’s for another post). I can’t even fathom where this hatred came from though, but it exists in me none-the-less, and needs to be witnessed and felt.
- Fear of feeling rage and hatred: faced and felt . . .
- allowing depression to lift . . .
- self-hatred surfaced, felt and witnessed . . .
- began a radical forgiveness journey . . .
- noticeable changes taking place!
First Change: I Took a Stand
I took a stand for myself! I am no longer afraid to speak up. Which is great on the one hand, but causing me some difficulty securing a part-time job on the other. I applied for a job (16 hours a week) working at a garden center restaurant, which I have recent job experience. The interview went well they invited me back to work 3 hours unpaid as a trial. I thought great, no problem. I sailed through my “we are not usually this busy” 3 hour trial and sat down with the manager. She explained the contract was for 16 hours, FLEXIBLE, meaning – you’ll never work 16 hours, more like over 20. Is that going to be a problem? Hmmm, I thought it was for 16 hours??
Before – like not too long ago, I would have said:
“Sure, no problem, whatever you need.”
Now, I said:
“I only wanted to work 16 hours a week, that’s what I thought I was applying for and that’s what works for me. Working a tough physical job more than 16 hours at minimum wage just isn’t worth it.”
Needless to say, I didn’t get the job, even though my work was “brilliant.” I can’t and won’t give myself away anymore. No more compromise, no more suffering. I took a stand for myself! I have so much faith and trust in the Divine that the exact right job will come!! I’m saying affirmations from Florence Shovel Shinn:
I have a wonderful job in a wonderful way, I give wonderful service for wonderful pay!
Second Change: Feeling Creative
I have found sparkles of creativity raining down on me! It feels really good and is very exciting! I love tweaking my web-site and designing things! I use Canva as a design platform – it’s free. I take images mainly from my posts and add sayings and quotes to them. Quite simple really, but it’s a start. I’ve been on Pinterest “pinning” my stuff and having a lot of fun! I think it’s great progress that I care enough to want to enhance my small business and increase my blog traffic through creativity!
I am standing for me being a creative, successful person.
It feels good being creative and expressive. It’s a lot of fun and life-enhancing. I am finding my passion and that’s all that has really mattered to me. All it took was facing my dark side and finding a scared, small, being, afraid to say boo. Sending so much love and compassion to my teenager-self who is now growing up safely within my heart.
The images in this post are the one’s I’ve designed by adding sayings to! Hope you enjoy!
I have lots of information on healing fragmented pieces in past blog posts. I have also written about it in story form in my book. Please let me know if there is more info needed on this subject as I feel more and more people will be welcoming their pieces home! it is better to have the awareness, it really helps!