Wouldn’t it be nice to live without self-judgment?  It’s a bad habit. We automatically judge ourselves without realizing it.  Have we been sold a line that we’re defective?  Why isn’t self-acceptance the norm? How did we get to be so hard on ourselves?

Is there a formula for self-love?

Can we learn from each other as we progress?

Choosing to love ourselves unconditionally is one of the most challenging things we can undertake. I believe it’s a very personal journey, as each of us are unique in our nature.  We have different beliefs about ourselves, varied upbringings and life experiences, all having input into who we perceive ourselves to be.

It’s at least comforting to know we’re not alone in our struggle to freedom, feeling the ups and downs, we take one step forward and two steps back as life presents its challenges, coming face to face with growth opportunities.

No matter where you go, there you are – as the saying goes.

For example, we often find ourselves face to face with our mirror image.  It’s usually someone we know and frequently interact with, someone significant in our life who really bothers us, causing constant frustration and/or driving us crazy.  Typically, this is someone with the exact same issues we judge within ourselves, resulting in constant triggering.  This could be someone like a spouse, co-worker, sibling, parent, or a child.

These sacred relationships, also called alchemical relationships, are in our lives to help us.  The challenges they present are truly tough and loaded with frustration, however they hold the greatest gifts and insights which can potentially lead to a major awakening.

Enemies have the potential to become your best friend!

So before pointing the finger at someone else, take a look inside yourself.  It’s not easy by any means to point the finger back to you – but, on your path to awakening, coming face to face with yourself is inevitable. The longer you delay, the more challenging the situation becomes. You can move away or change jobs, it doesn’t matter, that same character will be waiting for you.

I’d like to share a bit of my path with you.  If self-love is indeed a journey you’re interested in, then hopefully I’ll share something you can relate to, understanding that, no, you’re not going crazy, and perseverance and determination are wonderful allies. It’s nice to know you’re not alone in your desire to be free.

Years ago, I made a simple but powerful declaration:

“I choose love”

At the time I needed to have faith because I certainly didn’t know the implications of making such a choice, nor did I understand how it might manifest in my life.  More importantly, I didn’t know what I would have to experience to get there.  As it happens:

In order to live a life of unconditional love and free expression, anything that isn’t aligned with this intention will be eliminated.

It’s a fact. This includes negative beliefs, stuffed emotions, hidden parts, unconscious conditioning, triggers, programs, and familiar (DNA) healing, and oftentimes, people, places and things.  It all needs to be uncovered, felt, accepted and healed. We’ll discuss these things in greater detail in later chapters.

The journey to self-love was inconceivable to me.  My intention manifested on all levels – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.  My journey didn’t take long to begin, only a month or so after stating my declaration.  I had no warning.  I came face to face with deeply buried emotions, ones I didn’t want to feel again and ones I didn’t know existed within me.  It was time for a Dark Night of the Soul. My shadow was being exposed; I was vulnerable – not a comfortable place for anyone.

Intense feelings of pain, separation, abandonment, fear and betrayal surfaced.  I was being triggered, devastated and shocked.  I couldn’t believe the amount of pain I was experiencing.  I found myself saying over and over: Wow, I had no idea these feelings existed within me.  I’ve spoken to other people who confirmed they’ve had a similar experience in their awakening process.  It was good to know I wasn’t losing it.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in the height of my process was that I’d forgotten I asked for love, I forgot about my declaration.  I became so stuck and lost in my experience and pain, that I forgot why it was happening.  Because of this, my life circumstances became personal.  I ended up placing blame on someone else (sacred relationship) causing unnecessary drama.

I had a story attached to what I was feeling, which on the one hand, helped deep feelings surface, but on the other hand, had devastating effects – keeping me small and in my victim “drama.”  However, my story was only that, a story, but I kept telling it over and over, prolonging my suffering, hindering my healing process, and remaining in the victim role.

Being a stubborn person, I made it hard on myself.  At the time, there was nothing else I knew to do, or no other way I could be but the person I was.  I had to learn to ask for help, something that wasn’t natural.  I felt immense amounts of emotional pain until I realized one day I had felt enough. Pain could no longer overwhelm me. The same for other feelings like trauma, shock and devastation.

Years have now passed, and I’ve learned it’s possible to feel feelings without fabricating a story or blaming circumstances or other people for my situation.  I can allow feelings to surface without attachment and become a witness, knowing I’m not my thoughts or feelings; therefore, remaining unidentified from them.  I’ve also had to forgive the person I was at the time for not knowing what I know now.

It’s not personal.

Now, whenever possible, I allow heavy feelings to surface without fear of losing myself in them.  It took a lot of healing and conscious awareness to maintain neutrality and not become identified with deep feelings like depression, withdrawal, smallness, victim, anger, unworthiness, helplessness, and rejection which were very familiar.  I also carried a lot of guilt, believing the past was my fault, so eternal punishment was in order.  Not a nice way to live and the opposite of self-love.

This cycle is what’s known as the victim/victimizer program.  I adopted the victim role and played it well, completely denying the other half: the victimizer within myself.  It didn’t end there.  I also judged all victimizers as bad.  Since we live on a duality planet – we have both roles existing within us.  I was most afraid of the victimizer within me, so I stuffed it down and denied it.  I then pointed my finger at victimizers.

I learned that denying the victimizer part held me in the victim role.  This revelation was especially hard to admit: There was a victimizer full of rage lurking somewhere within me.  Acting out the victim was bad enough, but admitting victimizer was worse – at least for me.  For some, it will be the opposite.

I couldn’t fully love myself until I acknowledged and accepted both sides.  It seems to be an important element in the awakening process because with acceptance of both our light and shadow, there’s no room for judgment.  We are then free to accept all of ourselves, and consequently each other.

When those heavy feelings and roles became separate from myself, I gained a tremendous amount of power because they were less effective in controlling my behavior.  They no longer had the power to hurt me and make me act out.  I could experience fear and pain without attaching them to a circumstance.  I had to fully immerse myself in the experience, feeling all those feelings to get to the end, which was a place I finally understood:

We are not our feelings. They are not who we are.

Homework

Have a look to see if there’s someone in your life who really pushes your buttons.  Make a note of the following questions, see if anything gets stirred up within you.

1. How does he or she make you feel?
2. How do you react when triggered?
3. What is it exactly that triggers you? (behavior, voice, actions, . . .)
4. What do you tell yourself about them?
5. Turn it around to yourself and sit with the possibility this quality might be lurking inside you.
6. How do you feel after you react?

Approach this exercise like you’re on a fact-finding mission. It’s important to keep an open mind, especially when what we judge in others is applied to ourselves.  It’s challenging to admit what’s long been denied.  As you examine your interactions with this person more closely and question what’s happening as it’s happening, becoming an observer will be easier.  Make note of any progress.  It takes a lot of practice and please be kind and patient with yourself.  You’re learning something very valuable and before you know it, you’ll be thanking this person for the gift they’ve given you.

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