Not so long ago, I realized that I had no relationship or connection with God. I may have even been a bit skeptical, or perhaps had unfinished business with him. I knew about synchronicity, coincidence, The Secret, The Law of Attraction, the Universe, etc., but my interest was mainly from a point of view: “That’s just how things work here.” It wasn’t personal, I just knew this stuff existed. I had faith, but it was limited to only what I could achieve alone. I was the master of my life and the master of my destiny!
God? God who?
I was also aware of a “hole” existing inside me accompanied with a feeling of emptiness. I suffered from fear and lack (insecurity, lack of trust, co-dependency, neediness, unfulfillment). I didn’t realize it was because I had no connection with God. I thought it was just me. I lived life as “capable, able and dependable” so I didn’t need anyone or anything.
That was how I presented myself to the world. It worked great in the work place! Every employer wants an employee like this to take advantage of – giving them all the responsibility only to be paid in peanuts. I (ego) felt validated, so therefore thought everything was fine. It was well contained and managed, thank you very much!
. . . Or not . . . well, I thought it was anyway. I found out that being “capable, able and dependable” was an act – compensating for a failure to be. It wasn’t real and couldn’t be sustained without a cost.
I remember going through a Dark Night of the Soul and feeling so absolutely alone. It would have been much easier with God! I seriously wonder, though if I could have experienced my Dark Night of the Soul if I was connected with God. I actually don’t know the answer to that. I can only guess I wouldn’t have felt the intense pain of separation if I had that connection. The pain is how we know we are separate in some way. It was a clue for me to look deeper and fill the emptiness from within and with a connection with God!
I have gained a deeper connection with myself during my journey to connect with God. As above, so below. In whatever ways I was lacking a connection with God, showed up as lacking within myself – lack of trust, conditional love, abandonment, anger, and negative beliefs about myself. With God now, I can do and be anything! I am in a way fearless, knowing as long as I am following God’s will, I am whole, fulfilled, and not alone. It feels better surrendering to a higher power who only has my best interest at heart. I just need to stay out of the way and remain unattached to outcomes! (The bane of my existence!)
How did I achieve my connection?
- I had to realize I was not connected to God and admit it.
- I had to examine what was in the way – what was the problem (angry with God, negative beliefs, deprogramming Catholic upbringing, abandoned by God)
- I addressed all the issues I found to be in the way of a connection by writing down all my negative beliefs (The Work, The Journey, Energetic Synthesis, Shamanism)…see Resources Page
- I had to intend and be willing to connect, invite God into my life
- Accept God into my life, let go of control
- Surrender my Will to God’s Will and keep surrendering! This is a large commitment.
From my book, after my parts were all in my heart . . . without me there yet:
I looked up to the sky and yelled at God. I called him every name in the book and told him that He was mean and cruel. How could he let this happen? He was supposed to be a loving God. What a load of crap that was! I could feel anger rising and getting a shot of energy from it. It felt good, and boy was I ever angry! The hell with the pain, this anger was unbelievably invigorating! I felt so much freedom in expressing all this anger I didn’t even know existed within me. I was angry with God, angry with myself, angry with the world, and angry that my being had fractured into many pieces to begin with.
It was all just madness, all of it, and I’d been stupid enough to believe it all. How could I have been so stupid and gullible? I felt miserable and alone and in pain and really, really angry. So much for being a spiritual being, so much for growth and learning, so much for wanting to be happy. All of that hard work I’d put in just to get more pain and suffering? I thought: Screw it, I am done. No more being nice. I don’t care anymore . . . though I felt a little guilty at the same time.
For a later version of this post:
Does God Exist? Eliminating the Barriers of Separation
Not so long ago, I realized my connection with God was tentative. I’m in no way religious, so I wasn’t worried about the wrath of God. I was a bit skeptical however, or maybe I had some unfinished business with Him. I knew about things like synchronicity, The Secret, The Law of Resonance, the Universe,…
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The Path to My Heart 
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