I’ve made a career out of being hard on myself. I’ve been my own worst enemy and abuser, experiencing cycles that delve into darkness, shutting down and withdrawing – closing off to the world and becoming unavailable. However, I do have the ability to carry on as if nothing’s wrong and fit in – when needed. My father was like that too.
The major themes in my life have been:
- Living in prison, feeling trapped vs. freedom
- Suffering and seriousness vs. light-heartedness
- Being closed off vs. allowing love and support
Just read my past blog posts – the themes are prevalent and feel like soul lessons. People who know me socially – whether friends or colleagues, wouldn’t believe I’ve wrestled with darkness or heavy burdens. They know me as ‘friendly’ and easy to be with. Those who have lived with me however, know that my struggle with darkness is true.
But isn’t this what makes me human? As I release more and more layers of darkness, the answers to this question also evolves. If I didn’t suffer, what would it mean:
- Give up punishment and care about myself?
- I’m worthy and have something to give?
- I’m not bad and actually ok?
- I’m not a failure and good enough?
Within my growth process, I’ve asked several times: Why have I been so hard on myself? For what offense exactly? What have I done wrong to deserve this? How much longer can I carry on suffering? When will I lift my head up, drop the past burdens completely and rejoice in true freedom?
Keeping myself locked up and in a jail cell, deprived of happiness and joy? Deprived of love and comfort? Truth? Strength? Courage? What’s been the point of all of this suffering?
. . . because it’s sure felt real to me.
I suppose the point has literally been, for me anyway, suffering is an experience that exists when I believe negative and bad things about myself. Many of these beliefs are unconscious and drive me to my jail cell with no key in sight. These beliefs fight everyday to prove themselves ‘right’ and worthy of staying alive. They have fought so hard to exist that they’ve manufactured their own body to stay alive – my shadow body.
My shadow body is like the black market – bargaining, lying, wheeling and dealing to stay alive. Its life is lived at the expense of my light body. My light body has unconditional love and compassion – it will diminish itself until it can no longer be sustained. I make this happen. I disconnect my light body from Source, allowing it to shrivel up and slowly die, sacrificing itself to keep my shadow body alive and well . . . until I stop.
What a raw deal for my light body and my overall well-being.
Have I had enough yet?
Well – YES – I have!
Finally. Yes. I’ve had enough. I no longer need to entertain and pacify my shadow body. I can lift my head up from darkness, punishment and dejection. I’ve fired my shadow body from running my life and placed my Higher Self/Power in charge. I live through and by Divine Right Order and Timing. My innocence is returning. I don’t know God’s plans for the world or humanity, but I do know it’s a Grand Plan! I need to trust that as I release my own suffering and the suffering of others, my way is made clear and my life is now guided by light and truth. My path is open.
I listen for direction and wait patiently and in faith that I will be guided and shown what’s next for me in the Divine Plan. Living from my True, Authentic Divine Self is part of that Divine Plan – and I know that makes all the difference in the world!!