Not so long ago, I realized I was lacking a relationship and connection with God. I may have even been a bit skeptical, or perhaps had unfinished business. I knew about synchronicity, coincidence, The Secret, The Law of Attraction, the Universe, etc., but my interest was mainly from a point of view: That’s just how things work here. It wasn’t personal, I just knew this stuff existed. I had faith, but it was limited to only what I could achieve alone. I was the master of my life and the master of my destiny!
An excerpt from my book, after my parts were all in my heart . . . without me:
I looked up to the sky and yelled at God. I called him every name in the book and told him that He was mean and cruel. How could he let this happen? He was supposed to be a loving God. What a load of crap that was! I could feel anger rising and getting a shot of energy from it. It felt good, and boy was I ever angry! The hell with the pain, this anger was unbelievably invigorating! I felt so much freedom in expressing all this anger I didn’t even know existed within me. I was angry with God, angry with myself, angry with the world, and angry that my being had fractured into many pieces to begin with.
It was all just madness, all of it, and I’d been stupid enough to believe it all. How could I have been so stupid and gullible? I felt miserable and alone and in pain and really, really angry. So much for being a spiritual being, so much for growth and learning, so much for wanting to be happy. All of that hard work I’d put in just to get more pain and suffering? I thought: Screw it, I am done. No more being nice. I don’t care anymore . . . though I felt a little guilty at the same time.
God? God who?
I was also aware of a “hole” that existed inside of myself, accompanied by a feeling of emptiness. I suffered from fear and lack (insecurity, lack of trust, co-dependency, neediness, unfulfillment). I didn’t realize it was because I had no connection with God. I thought it was just me. I lived life as “capable, able and dependable” so I didn’t need anyone or anything. That was how I presented myself to the world. It worked out great in the work place! Most employers wants an employee like this to take advantage of – giving them all the responsibility, usually only to be paid in peanuts. The service business is great for this. Didn’t matter though, I (ego) felt validated, so therefore everything was fine in my little world. It was well contained and managed, thank you very much!
. . . Or not . . . well, I thought it was anyway. I found out that being “capable, able and dependable” was an act – compensating for a failure to be. It wasn’t real and couldn’t be sustained without a cost. My “failure to be” was all the negative beliefs I believed about myself:
- I’m not good enough
- I’m not worthy
- I’m a failure
- I’m a burdon
- I’m too weak
I identified with these beliefs, they were who I was! This is not true as I have found out. I am not my beliefs, my thoughts or my feelings. So many millions of people have these same negative beliefs about themselves. It was a good way for me to stay small, a victim and hide. A connection with God had no space in my being because I was unworthy of love – and really believed it.
I remember going through a Dark Night of the Soul and feeling so absolutely alone. It would’ve been much easier with God. I seriously wonder, though if I could have experienced my Dark Night of the Soul being connected to God. I actually don’t know the answer to that. I can only guess I wouldn’t have felt the intense pain of separation. The pain is how we know we are separate in some way. It was a clue for me to look deeper and fill the emptiness from within through a connection with God.
From my book, the mind and the heart have it out . . .
My mind also tried to comfort me, by imagining that it could figure all this out. It was searching for where it had gone wrong in what had happened. Finally near the end of its search it settled on the word love. “Love went wrong and it’s the heart’s fault!” It made so much sense to my mind but my heart was having trouble grasping this.
My mind continued, “If you had never felt love we wouldn’t have a problem here. Can’t you see that love is the reason why the aloneness was rudely awakened in the first place? It was the reason aloneness could even live inside of us. Love challenged the aloneness and that’s how the aloneness knew that it was alone.”
My heart wanted its opinion heard, “You couldn’t be more wrong! How could something as beautiful as love be as destructive as you claim?”
The mind answered, “Well, because without ever feeling love we wouldn’t miss it when it was gone. Just by its sheer existence we are self-destined for pain. Ignorance is bliss and if we’d never known love we’d all just be going about the business of living.”
The heart conceded, “OK, your argument represents sound logic, I’ll give you that, but there’s still something missing.”
The mind stayed firm, “Unless you can convince me otherwise I’ll just sit over here and feel confident in being right.”
“Well I still believe we need love and the complete experience of it, both the pain and the joy.”
The mind was doubtful, “Then you’ll need to convince me, twinkle toes. Go on, I have all day.”
“OK, you want a good argument, here goes. We exist because of love. We were created with love and we will return to love. Until now I didn’t know this. I didn’t understand there was a higher form of love and union, an unconditional love which exists with the Divine, the same love connecting us to all things, existing within each and every being. You’re right about love in one way: it can be destructive— but only if that love is trying to fill an empty void within, a “hole.” That kind of love can never stay; it will always leave because it didn’t belong there to begin with. It was never ours so it must return to where it came from, somewhere outside of us. The space that love temporarily filled got activated so, when the external love left the space, it felt the pain of the emptiness that had always been there. We can agree on that much. But here is where I believe we need the pain of love. It lets us know when there’s a void within ourselves. We need to feel the void so that we’re motivated to seek out love in its truest form, unconditionally, from the Divine within.”
“The heart continued “Love and acceptance with the Self is real and can never leave, once it is found, because it comes from us and therefore is ours to keep. It is ours to have and to hold, in sickness and in health and you know the rest.”
The mind gives a chuckle, “OK, heart, I get it: you make a pretty good argument. But, now that we know this, what’s next? How can we work together to prepare this heart for love with the Divine self?”
“Good question, I need to think about this.”
The mind agreed. “Yeah. I need to feel this out.”
I have gained a deeper connection with myself during my journey to connect with God. As above, so below. In whatever ways I was lacking a connection with God, showed up as lacking within myself – lack of trust, conditional love, abandonment, anger, and negative beliefs about myself. With God now, I can do and be anything! I am in a way fearless, knowing as long as I am following God’s will, I am whole, fulfilled, and not alone. It feels better surrendering to a higher power who only has my best interest at heart. I just need to stay out of the way and remain unattached to outcomes! (The bane of my existence!)
How did I achieve my connection?
- I had to realize I was not connected to God.
- I chose to examine what was in the way – what was the problem (angry with God, negative beliefs, deprogramming Catholic upbringing, abandoned by God)
- I addressed all the issues I found blocking a connection by writing down my negative beliefs and working them (TheWork.com) see Resources Page
- I made an intention and was willing to connect with and invite God into my life
- Accept God into my life by letting go of control (whoa!)
- Surrender my Will to God’s Will and keep surrendering! This is a large commitment.
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