I had a very powerful experience of consciously choosing misery as a way of being when I was about 8 years old. A decision that would stay with me for a lot of my life. Here’s what happened:
It was a good day at school. I was feeling happy and enjoying the bus ride home. As the bus stopped in front of my house, the smile left my face. I looked out the window and, I remember it very clearly, I had the thought: I wish I could go home and be happy. My next thought was but I can’t stop this now. I’ve been this way for a long time, I can’t just change. I got off the bus, walked in the door the same as always, no smile, a chip on my shoulder and shut down.
For a split second I had a picture of me happy at home flash up in my mind and thought, Oh no, that’s not me, it wouldn’t feel right. It was an opportunity that I passed up, my negative beliefs and fear talked me out of it. A life decision made in one second on a bus at 8 years old. I thought I had too much to lose and didn’t even wonder where the thought of wanting to be happy came from. That would have been good to know. Why didn’t I believe that thought? I stuffed it down.
I was too invested. I believed the thought, If I stopped making my parents feel guilty, they would hurt me more. I was punishing them with my misery. I can’t fault my inner child in any way. She did what she had to do at the time. She shut down to protect herself. As an adult, I have another choice. I am no longer in that situation. It is safe for me to question beliefs, feel those feelings I pushed away and face my fears without identifying with them. Sophie, my inner child aspect, had to face these things when her piece came back into my life. She ended up laughing hysterically at her demons!
Understanding that we mistakenly identify with an unconscious belief, it’s story and subsequent emotions, is a very important key in opening a door into healing.
I still have to catch myself now and again as I fall into my misery addiction, remembering it’s not who I am and step into compassionate witness. Judgment of self and denial of feelings only prolonged my misery. I am learning to accept myself and accept my misery, along with all my other human feelings. I have found them to be equal, and welcome them all.
I have received so many gifts from both
the light and the darkness.
I am grateful for each!
It’s good to “know thyself” and develop good discernment. There is a lot of “stuff” flying around the collective unconsciousness. The more you know what is yours and what is not yours, the better off you are.
Be kind to yourself and others!
- observe what is going on with your emotions and feelings instead of reacting
- become a compassionate witness of yourself
- Give yourself a break
- Take nothing personal . . . especially any negative thoughts about yourself or others!
- For help with questioning negative beliefs, please check out Byron Katie’s TheWork.com!
I would love to hear from you!! Please share!