Choosing to love ourselves can be one of the most challenging things we can undertake to do in our lives. It can also be one of the most rewarding. I believe it is a very personal journey, as we are each unique in our nature and experiences. How, then, can we learn from other’s journeys? Is there a formula for self-love? I can share with you what has worked for me and relate to you what I have heard of other’s experiences. If this is a life choice for you, then you will have something to help you navigate your path, understanding that, no, you are not going crazy!!
In 2011, I made a conscious declaration to live a life of unconditional love – it was a very strong intention which I felt in the core of my being. It was also very simple, “I choose love.” I had no idea what this meant at the time, nor what it entailed. As it happened, in order to live a life of unconditional love, I had to clear out everything that was preventing me from reaching this aspiration: negative beliefs, hidden emotions, hidden parts of myself, unconscious beliefs and feelings, triggers, programs, familiar healing, and timeline collapsing. This was unconceivable at the time. I am, however, a person who wants to know and asks to be shown.
Healing my Self has manifested on different levels – emotional, physical and spiritual. The emotional healing came first. I came face to face with it a few months after writing my book and choosing unconditional love. I literally didn’t know what hit me. Feelings that were held deep down inside me were released and felt. I can safely call this time a “Dark Night of the Soul.” The emotions and feelings were really buried. Intense feelings of pain, separation, abandonment, fear and betrayal. I was being triggered left and right. I was shocked at the amount of pain I was experiencing and found myself saying over and over: “Wow, I had no idea this was living in me.” I, as is typical, had a story attached to these feelings, which initially helped them come out and be felt. However, the story was only that, a story I kept telling myself, and telling that story over and over only prolonged the suffering, hindering the healing process by keeping me a victim.
I now know I can feel feelings without a story, just allowing them to surface without attachment. From what I understand, we as human beings all carry these feeling deep inside us, carried over from ancient cataclysms. Not everyone feels them. Most of us would rather not be rolling around on the floor with our guts hanging out.
So I learned to feel deeply just by allowing these feelings to surface, sometimes it didn’t even feel like I had a choice – they were there! It took a while. A few years worth actually. I didn’t do myself any favors by clinging onto my story. The fear of no longer having a story about being a victim caused me to continuously revisit the past. Being a very stubborn person, I made it hard on myself. Of course, this was familiar to me. I also carried a lot of guilt, believing a lot of the past was my fault, so eternal punishment was in order. ugh…
Finally, after digging really deep, the intense feelings I was feeling abated. I could feel pain, terror, and fear without a huge amount of resistance and raw pain attached to it. They became just feelings. In doing this, I gained a tremendous amount of power within myself. I gained a freedom over these emotions and became less scared of them. This was good! Finally, some progress!
The underlying theme I was healing was the victim/victimizer program. I swallowed the victim role hook, line, and sinker. I completely denied the other half, the victimizer within myself, and wouldn’t even go there. Since we live on a duality planet – we have both roles living inside us. Denying the victimizer part of me kept me in victim. It was really hard for me to give it up and especially hard to admit there was a victimizer lurking somewhere inside me. I also couldn’t fully integrate and heal the two polarities until I accepted both sides.
Let me know if you have any questions, or if there is anything I can explain further about my experience! Please comment below!!